7 Tips for Giving No-Drama Feedback

Getting feedback is a gift and one of your most important responsibilities as a manager is to give it to others. Carried out effectively, feedback is at the heart of getting better results.

Feedback transforms performance by reinforcing positive behaviors and correcting those that have a negative effect. It strengthens relationships by fostering trust and open communication.

But when feedback is delivered in the wrong way, or not at all, drama ensues. Stress goes up, morale goes down and a lot of time is wasted.

So how do you give no-drama feedback?

To know how to do something right, sometimes it helps to know how not to do it.

If you’re like me, you’ve provided, or at least witnessed, some approaches to giving feedback that inevitably produce drama: 

• The Tell It Like It Is Approach. You’re a busy manager and you don’t have time to talk details or feelings, so you just come out with it  (“This newsletter draft is terrible. You need to start from the beginning and redo it”). Next thing you know, your staff member is quivering with frustration or balling in your office ... drama. Trust me, I'm all about honest and direct communication, but giving feedback has to be delivered in a way where the person will hear it and implement it.
   
• The Avoidance Approach. Rather than address performance concerns head on, you (a) pick up after your under-performing staff member and do their work for them or (b) ignore the problem and appear to condone bad behavior or work  (“You took a good stab at the newsletter. Why don’t I take it from here?”) This works ... until it doesn’t. Inevitably you’ll burn out from doing another person’s job as well as your own, or you’ll become so frustrated and resentful for having to do another person’s job that your impatience will boil over and … more drama.
   
• The Chameleon Approach. It’s that little voice in your head that says “maybe if I hide negative feedback in-between a couple of pieces of positive feedback everything will be peachy (“I really like the layout for the newsletter. The content needs a lot of work, but I think you’re off to a great start!”). These mixed messages, while making you feel better about giving negative feedback, actually inhibit any of the feedback, good or bad, from getting through. Your compliments come across as insincere and your concerns get lost amongst the praise.

So what to do?

The following 7 tips will help you deliver quality feedback that is honest but considerate and will ultimately get better results.

1.    Be sincere

Feedback must be free of pretense or deceit. It’s only effective if it is genuine. Ask yourself what your motivations are for giving this person feedback? Do you want to see better results? Do you sincerely want to help them grow and improve?

Feedback is not an opportunity to dump your frustrations on someone else. You’re doing more harm than good and you’re better off using your time reading “Don’t Bite the Hook”.

If you’re telling someone they need to change, you need to (1) believe they can change and (2) be willing and ready to help that change happen.

As a final test, role-play your feedback with a neutral person. Then ask her or him...would they want to thank you or punch you after receiving this feedback?

2. Recognize that your interpretation of the situation is not the only possible one.

Share your perceptions and observations as just that - yours - and not the ultimate and unquestionable truth. There are two sides to every story, and it’s no different with feedback.

Speak to behavior(s) you observe and how they make you feel rather than assumptions or interpretations of what you think those behaviors might mean about the other person. 

It helps to make feedback a conversation. When you provide only your perspective as being the sole truth, without allowing for dialogue, the other person will become defensive and resentful ... all the ingredients for drama.

Beginning a conversation with an open and curious mind provides opportunities to discuss how the problem arose and pathways to resolve it.

Instead of saying, “You always cut me off in meetings. You’re rude and insensitive”, you might say, “I’ve noticed that you interrupt me in meetings, and when this happens it makes me think you don’t value what I have to say. Can we talk about this?”

3. Be specific

There's nothing worse than getting feedback like "keep up the good work" or "your work just isn’t cutting it."

If your feedback is indeed sincere and you truly want the person to grow or improve (tip #1), you have to give them enough information to understand where they fall short and what changes they need to make.

You might ask yourself questions like: did the person not fulfill agreed-upon expectations? How so? Did we have agreement on expectations? What specific behaviors did you observe and why do they concern you?

Explaining what someone is doing wrong by referring to specific, concrete examples makes criticism easier to hear and digest and puts everyone on the path to finding solutions.

Here’s an example: “I feel like you’re distracted during meetings lately. During this morning’s meeting about the newsletter, I noticed that you checked your phone regularly. I also needed to repeat my question to you on two occasions. This concerns me because it gives the perception that these meetings aren’t important to you. Having to repeat myself also wastes time. I need you to be 100% present at meetings. Can we talk about how to make that happen?

4. Speak for yourself

There’s no better way to crush someone and guarantee that they’ll never take your feedback positively than to use invincible “others” to make your case. Don’t start statements with “everybody thinks ...”, “the team feels … ”, or “I’m not the only one who feels this way”. Not taking ownership of your statements will inevitably lead to DRAMA. Start statements with “I noticed …” or “I feel that …”

5. Practice emotional intelligence

If someone just received bad news or spilled coffee on their lap, it’s probably not the best time to tell them about an “opportunity for growth”.

When someone’s sad, upset, or distracted, the last thing they need is to have salt poured on their wounds.

Giving feedback in front of others is also inconsiderate and disrespectful. You're setting the person up to feel awkward and embarrassed. Instead, arrange a time to speak with them in private and in an environment where you're both free of distractions and interruptions.

Be sensitive to when and where you give feedback. Just because you need to get it off your chest doesn’t mean the other person is ready to hear it. You might ask, for example, “Hi Jose, I’d like to talk to you about your newsletter draft. When would be a good time?”

6. Be timely

Giving feedback about a behavior or project that happened 6 months ago is not helpful. You’ve left the person in the dark for 6 months, probably setting them up to repeat the same mistake over and over again!

Address concerns as soon possible after they first come up and give feedback regularly.

Too often managers wait until a formal performance review to tell someone that their job is on the line because they’re doing x, y and z incorrectly.

If you’ve just been secretly recording the number of times this employee has missed deadlines but haven’t addressed it in the moment, waiting to raise it in a performance review will likely lead to DRAMA.

Formal performance reviews are very useful, but should be used as a platform to discuss patterns that need to change rather than one-off incidents. A good performance review never has any surprises.

If an employee continuously misses deadlines and you’ve provided feedback on the matter before, a formal performance review would be the time to raise the issue and explain what the consequences are if there is no immediate, visible improvement.

“I’ve raised the fact that I needed you to meet deadlines on a few occasions and explained why it’s so important that projects aren’t delayed. A crucial part of your role is to submit quality work on time and with very little supervision. Over the next three weeks, I need you to show me that you can deliver work that meets the expectations and deadlines we have agreed on. If that doesn’t happen, then this job is not a good fit for you”.

7. Make regular feedback part of the culture of your organization, for you and your employees

Ideally, feedback is encouraged and valued by everyone at your organization. This culture starts with the top brass. As a leader, you set the tone for others to follow...don’t be afraid to give AND receive feedback from team members.

When feedback is institutionalized and practiced regularly, it becomes the norm. The fear of feedback dissipates and makes giving and receiving it much, much easier.

So, next time you’re frustrated, annoyed or disappointed with a coworker, don’t be overly assertive, avoid them, trick them, or talk about them behind their back.

Give them feedback that is neither threatening nor harsh, but rather invites and encourages them to consider new ways of behaving or performing.

No-drama feedback translates into better results for you, them, and your organization.